Election 2012: The last laugh

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LOS ANGELES, January 11, 2013—Events that took place in early November have been unreported until now so that the pain of the 2012 election could slightly subside for those on the losing side. Despite the pain, there was still some laughter. Here is that story.

On the night of the presidential election, I was stationed at a polling place in the heart of Miami. Miami-Dade County has a large Cuban population, which generally votes Republican. The lines were long, and conservatives were concerned that people would get frustrated in line and leave without voting.

My role was just to tell jokes and make people laugh. Others would feed them pizza. Everything was done to make sure they stayed and voted.

After a certain barrier, no “electioneering” was allowed. Out of respect for the process, I covered up my Romney-Ryan t-shirt. While the response to my approach was favorable, coming up with humor on the fly is not easy. My humor is normally partisan, but respect for the Democratic process required staying neutral. After three years of helping the Republican Party and conservative causes, there was nothing left to do but participate in democracy. Win or lose, the goal now was just to make a tough experience for people a positive one. This went on for hours. This was my election night.

“For those worried about long lines, do not panic. They have extended the hours of the clubs in South Beach tonight until 5am. It’s not about the Republican or Democratic Party. What matters is the after-party. You have plenty of time to vote and still party in Miami Beach. However, after 2am most of the people there will not be attractive, so party at your own risk. For those who are drunk, after 2am they will be very attractive, which is also troublesome.”

“For those of you who have been waiting in line for four years to vote for John McCain, he lost. Please choose another candidate.”

“We have some numbers in…Indianapolis Colts 23, Miami Dolphins 20.”

“Don’t be like the Dolphins. Don’t give up and quit in the fourth quarter. You’re almost there. Stick it out and vote.”

“Don’t worry, (former Miami Dolphins head coach ) Tony Sparano is not coming back. Now he is helping you by hurting the New York Jets.”

“The Jets have bigger problems. Mark Sanchez is dating Eva Longoria, so he no longer cares about football. It’s gotten so bad that Longoria is threatening to date Tim Tebow.”

“For those of you who have your own private jet, you still have time to fly to Hawaii and vote there. The lines are long there as well, but they are serving pizza. However, it is weird pizza with pineapples on it. Eat at your own risk.”

“For those in line, you will get to vote. I cannot say whether this will be on Tuesday or Wednesday, but you will be able to vote. Based on 2000 results, we will know who won in about five weeks.”

“The lines are long because we have done a lousy job of border security. Forget the Southern border. Secure the Northern Florida border. The New Yorkers keep coming.”

“For those who brought your children, the rules are more strict than in past years. A pair of 9 year olds does not equal one 18 year old voter. Those of you with multiple personalities only get to vote once, and you cannot split the vote between several candidates.”

“Right now the vote in Florida is tied. Obama is at 49.6% and Romney has 49.6%. So for those of you who leave without voting, if your candidate loses it will be your fault.”

“Many of you who are complaining about waiting hours in line are checking your I-Phones every five minutes. You probably waited in line for five days to buy your I-Phone.”

“For those of you who were told that you would be given concert tickets at the end of this, you were lied to. For those who are waiting in line for concert tickets, this is the wrong line. This is the line to vote for political stuff.”

“For those of you who are Jewish, the lines should not affect you. Your ancestors wandered for forty years in the desert. This is nothing.”

“For those of you voting Libertarian, please understand we are not dispensing free marijuana here. Even if you vote to legalize it here, you have to obtain it somewhere else.”

The polls closed at 7pm EST, but the last voter did not cast their ballot until 12:30am Wednesday morning. The reason why Florida took forever to declare a winner is because some counties in Miami-Dade were slow to report. This was not laziness or incompetent electioneers, but quite the opposite. The poll workers were honest, responsible, and determined to make sure every person voted. The people in line were friendly. People kept their vote choices to themselves. I know all of this because I was there.

While my presidential candidate lost, democracy did carry the day in the heart of Miami. People thanked me for entertaining them, and I thanked them for voting. Despite exhaustion and a hoarse voice, the only way to truly certify an election is to monitor the clubs in South Beach. As of 3am, there was no illegal electioneering. Nobody spoke of the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. They all enjoyed the after-party, and the hangover was not as bad for most of them as those with election hangover.

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”

Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS

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Fabolous ft. Pusha T & Ryan Leslie – "Life Is So Exciting (Remix)" [VIDEO] – Hip

» by Kazeem Famuyide (@RealLifeKaz) January 10, 2013, 10:50am

Living Good Loso grabs up Pusha T and Ryan Leslie for the new video for the “Life Is So Exciting” Remix from The Soul Tape 2. 

Taking place in Miami during Art Basel, Pusha T and Fabolous stunt in some Lamborghinis and trick on some females doing the stroll in the mall. Ranging from the clubs in South Beach to the streets of Dade County.

Not one to be left out, Ryan Leslie also drops in the video suited and booted and getting his business done in New York City. This stand out record from The Soul Tape 2 made its video premiere on MTV and we get the rip courtesy of Mr. World Premiere.

Mos Def and A$AP Rocky also make quick cameos in the studio with the producer/artist Leslie while he pops bottles and do all that stuff that rappers do; he even raps! This black and white video is one of the slicker efforts from Fab.

If you haven’t copped The Soul Tape 2 yet, which topped many year-end mixtape lists, you can download it right here. After you do that, hit the jump and check out the video for “Life Is So Exciting” with Pusha T and Ryan Leslie.

[Spotted at 2DopeBoyz]

–

Photo: YouTube

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Tears flow over guilty verdicts at end of ‘Bar girls’ federal trial in Miami

As if he saw it coming, a federal judge warned he would not tolerate any outburst while the verdicts were read for four men accused of directing a bunch of “bar girls” to seduce and swindle customers at Russian-style clubs in South Beach.

But as soon as the Miami jury found three of the defendants guilty— and the judge ordered them immediately into custody Thursday — the mothers, wives and daughters started wailing.

U.S. District Judge Robert Scola called in federal marshals to escort the defendants out, while court security officers tried to control the situation.

“Let me hug my mom,” Albert Takhalov told one of the security officers, who tried to separate the mother, who wouldn’t let go.

And so the trial of the so-called B-girls came to a tearful end. The jury convicted Takhalov, Stanislav Pavlenko and Isaac Feldman of conspiring to fleece hundreds of thousands of dollars from dozens of male patrons by racking up bogus bills for champagne, vodka and caviar on their credit cards at the defendants’ seven Miami Beach clubs.

A fourth defendant, Siavash Zargari, who did business with Takhalov at a Washington Avenue lounge, was acquitted. “I feel good,” the South Beach resident said outside the courtroom with his attorney, Bruce Fleisher. “Justice is right.”

The jury reached its unanimous guilty verdicts on a variety of conspiracy, wire fraud and money-laundering charges after deliberating for five days following an 11-week trial that zigged and zagged with tales about Miami Beach’s underground bar scene. The panel also issued acquittals on numerous wire fraud offenses involving credit transactions, and cleared Takhalov of bribing a U.S. immigration official to bring the bar girls from Eastern Europe.

Still, Scola ordered the three convicted men into custody until their sentencings because he found that they gave testimony that “I don’t believe was honest.’’

The 12-person jury heard testimony from an admitted Russian mobster who organized the Miami Beach club racket; a few bar girls who lured male customers from swank hotels like the Delano to the private bars; a former Fox TV weatherman who was taken for $43,000 over two nights; and an undercover Miami Beach police officer who posed as a dirty cop and worked as a bouncer for the clubs while recording the illicit activity.

The puppet master behind the scam: Alec “Oleg” Simchuk, 46, a Russian native and naturalized U.S. citizen who testified in October about his partners and associates.

Simchuk, an admitted Russian mafioso who pleaded guilty before trial, testified that he modeled the South Beach clubs after his former bars in Latvia and Estonia. He said he illegally brought many of the same young women who had worked for him there to South Florida.

The undercover officer, Luis King, was caught on his own tape describing “American black girls” as “pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs” in a late-night chat with a bar girl at the Steel Toast lounge. The sensational evidence may not have been relevant, but it worried prosecutors Richard Gregorie and Michael Thakur because of its potential impact on the racially mixed jury.

The four defendants took the witness stand to fight the fraud charges, which is highly unusual during a trial. It backfired for all but Zargari. His testimony ended up serving two purposes, as he deftly demonstrated his innocence while blaming Takhalov for contaminating their lounge, Tangia Club, with bar girls and credit-card fraud.

The Hottest Places To Party (And See Art) At Art Basel Miami Beach

Facebook/artbaselmiamibeach

Art Basel begins on Thursday, and that means that Miami will transform into one big art-fest.

Artists, gallerists, celebrities, and fashionistas will descend on the city to see edgy art exhibitions, attend chic parties, and dine in the city’s hottest restaurants.

The festival, which runs from December 6 to 9, allows artists from around the world to showcase their works in a highly-visible setting.

Art Basel events take place all over the city, but the main art fair is in the Miami Convention Center in Miami Beach. Elsewhere, galleries and design shops in the up-and-coming Design District will open their doors at all hours, hotels and restaurants in Miami Beach will throw celebrity-hosted events, and clubs in South Beach will host wild parties every night.

Shawn Wayans will not get real – Sun

Shawn Wayans is not a fan of reality TV. He doesn’t understand its popularity.

“I think the taste of the networks has changed,” says Wayans, who got his start on the TV show “In Living Color” and co-starred with his brother Marlon on “The Wayans Bros.”

“I mean, where do you go after Honey Boo Boo?” he adds. “She’s the white version of black Flavor Flav. … It’s embarrassing.”

Wayans, who will perform standup this weekend with Marlon at the Palm Beach Improv, has yet to be approached by a reality TV producer such as Ryan Seacrest about putting his famous family back on TV.

With 10 siblings and a history of success with shows such as “In Living Color” and “My Wife and Kids,” a Wayans family reality show might make for good ratings. But Shawn Wayans is not open to the idea.

“I haven’t come across Ryan, and I actually didn’t know he was the reality show fairy who flies around picking up people,” he says. “But even if he asked, I wouldn’t do it.”

For now, while Marlon – his sidekick – is busy filming a satire of “Paranormal Activity,” Shawn is writing material for an unnamed movie.

He’ll be in South Florida for only a few days, and will return next month to perform at the Fort Lauderdale Improv. During these visits, don’t expect the 41-year-old to hit the clubs in South Beach.

“I used to come to Miami a lot. It was my Disneyland,” he says ‘But now, it’s like Chucky Cheese.”

How so?

It’s cheesy and violent, he says.

“I shook my head when I heard that [Chad Johnson] headbutted his wife,” Wayans says. “There’s nothing funny about it, except maybe if he did it on a reality show … because isn’t that reality TV, anyway – people headbutting and throwing beer bottles at each other?”

Shawn and Marlon Wayans

When: 8 and 10:30 p.m. Friday; 7 and 9:45 p.m. Saturday; 7 p.m. Sunday.

Where: Palm Beach Improv, 550 S. Rosemary Ave., West Palm Beach.

Cost: $40-50

Contact: PalmBeach.Improv.com

South Beach B-Girls Scam Artist Arrested at Miami International Airport

Also read “Eastern European B-Girls in SoBe Scam.”

It was perhaps the perfect South Beach scam. A ring of Eastern European men set up private “night clubs” and sent beautiful girls out on the town to bring in unsuspecting male tourists. Once inside, the victim’s credit cards were charged exorbitant prices for drinks and the “B-Girls,” aka bar girls, got a 20 percent cut. The ring was dismantled in April 2011, and most involved were arrested. Though the “kingpin,” Alex Simchuk, remained at large.

Simchuck was finally arrested yesterday at Miami International Airport.


Simchuk, 45, is a Latvian resident. FBI officials nabbed him at 2 p.m on Thursday. It’s unclear if he was leaving or entering the country. He is also suspected of having ties to the Russian mob.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Revel’s HQ Debut

Revel’s announcement in early 2012 that it would be partnering with Angel Management Group (AMG) served as strong proof that it was taking a serious stance toward its nightlife and entertainment options.


This was still several weeks away from the property’s soft opening in April, but rather than handling in-house an increasingly important element like entertainment in a tourist town, it entered into an agreement with undoubtedly the biggest name in the Las Vegas nightlife market. 


More recently, AMG reinforced Revel’s pledge to top-shelf entertainment with a bold move of its own, partnering with New York City potentate EMM Group to help ensure that Revel’s entertainment slate is second to none, and not just in Atlantic City.

The EMM Group, under the direction of friends and co-founders Mark Birnbaum and Eugene Remm, is well connected on the East Coast entertainment-wise, and is embarking on its first large-scale project with AMG at Revel. 


“[AMG] shares many of the same strengths, outlook and operational philosophies that we do, but they also bring experience from Las Vegas market, which will be key to the success of running these properties,” says Remm, who started EMM Group in 2006 with Birnbaum and business entrepreneur Michael Hirtenstein, together building it into one of NYC’s most successful and multi-faceted hospitality management companies.


“Revel is the first of what we expect will be many collaborations with EMM Group in the coming years, both here and abroad,” says Neil Moffitt, CEO of Angel Management.

“EMM Group has the understanding and knowledge of the market that will bring the New York City vibe and clientele to Atlantic City. We’re excited to work with them to deliver innovative offerings to the Northeast, and look forward to a lasting and impactful partnership.”


Since the collaboration began, the two groups have already inked some of the biggest names in nightclub entertainment to Revel’s recently announced July 6-8 preview of HQ Nightclub — the four-level, 40,000-square-foot venue that complements its 45,000-square-foot “day-life” contemporary HQ Beach Club (which has yet to be given an opening date).

Among them is artist A-Trak, a Montreal-born and New York City-based DJ scheduled for four Revel dates, and touted as one of the most sought-after electronic remixers globally. Another is Chromeo, the Canadian-born duo P-Thugg (Patrick Gemayel) on keyboards, synthesizers and talk box, and Dave 1 (David Macklovitch) on guitar and lead vocals. The pair’s sound has been labeled “electro-funk” and they have made chart-topping hits like “Hot Mess,” “When the Night Falls,” “I’m Not Contagious” and “Night By Night” from three CDs.

Others include acclaimed house music specialist Cedric Gervais, a regular headliner at clubs in South Beach, Florida, and Grammy award-winning remixer/producer Roger Sanchez, who is among the world’s foremost names in house music and has an online radio show called Release Yourself that reaches over 15 million listeners worldwide.


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Mr. Obama, do not mess up my trip to Hawaii

LOS ANGELES, February 10, 2011–My Dearest Respected Leader Commandant President Obama,

In a couple of weeks I will flying from Los Angeles to Hawaii. I will be there for approximately seven to ten days. For the most part the dates are locked down, and I will send your staff my itinerary.

Given that you are the leader of the free world and I am a lowly paean citizen, I am used to you having very little regard for me. Yet out of respect for your position, I have a request of you. I am beseeching you, sir.

When I am in Hawaii, please do not come.

I want my trip to Hawaii to be Obama-free. Please. Just this once, let me be somewhere nice where you are not.

Sir, this is not personal. You have every right to vacation wherever you please, although I personally feel you vacation far too much and work not nearly enough. Yet this is not about your work ethic. It is about mine.

I work hard. I rarely get to unwind. I went to Hawaii in 2006 and 2007 and have not been back since. Your arrival would make my trip a disaster. You see, sir, anywhere you go involves traffic congestion.

When you come to Los Angeles, you bring the entire city to a standstill. You stay at a hotel three blocks from my home, and I can’t even go to a 7-11 to get my pizza rolls without a hassle. You show up during rush hour. Also, Secret Service people get hungry. When Bill Clinton came to the Arm and Hammer Museum, only blocks from my home, I had to wait over an hour for a Subway sandwich. Cutting in front of Secret Service members is a non-starter. George W. Bush never disrupted my lunch or my commute.

I can’t have the hassles that you bring in Hawaii, sir. Just golf somewhere else for once. I will be hopping to several of the islands, and I cannot have my trip ruined because you need a hiding place from those on the mainland you have upset with your policies.

I have serious investigative work to do in Hawaii. No, this is not about your birth certificate. I still believe you were born in New York in an IBM laboratory, which explains why you are a computer lacking human emotions. People with feelings do not tie up traffic in rush hour. Sorry, sir, but that really is a big deal to me and many others who do not have Air Force One to fly over the freeway during rush hour.

Sir, for you, Rush Hour is a Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker movie. Yet if you understand the words coming out of my mouth, let me tell you that rush hour for travelers is misery.

As one of your critics, I understand you need to have the FBI and others spy on the purpose of my trip. I will be speaking to some politically conservative groups, which is still legal. You most likely will be the object of derision in some of my speeches if not all of them.

The other part of my trip is a national security matter. I have been  traveling around America and going to nightclubs in the wee hours of the morning to make sure that presidential candidates are not there. It is one thing if I get caught in a hot tub with a barely legal coed, but I am not running for office. Also, not nearly enough nightclubs have hot tubs in the back rooms. See what you can do about that on your next vacation.

Anyway, I checked out the clubs in South Beach, Miami, and in Las Vegas. Everything was clean. While I am doing this to benefit Republicans, you can be happy knowing that your top advisers were not there either. Trust me, if I saw David Axelrod or David Plouffe receiving lapdances in the nightclubs, I would report it immediately for the good of democracy.

Since Thailand is not a state, investigating Patpong is not necessary at this time. Yet the clubs on Kuhio Avenue are often frequented by those looking for trouble. It is imperative I make sure that the section of Waikiki where trouble occurs is free from political scandals. I can even make sure all of Honolulu is secure for you before you arrive for your next vacation. My favorite place is “Nashville Waikiki.” Let’s be honest sir, country music bars are not for you. In fact, none of the places I frequent are. You are a bit of a beta male, and mechanical bulls are alpha male territory.

Mr. President, I don’t get to relax like you do. During the day I actually have to do things. At some point during my trip to Oahu, I may even have a few precious minutes to relax. Do not cheat me out of this.

I am the last person who would ever consider raising money for you, but I am even open to raising money to help you vacation somewhere other than Hawaii when I am there. You seem to have zero trouble raising money yourself, given that the only people not hurt by your destructive policies are the leftist billionaires admiring your aroma. Yet I will help if I can. There is a really good Sizzler in many cities, and the Sunday New York Times you worship often has coupons for discounts at the salad bar. Trust me sir, without sounding like white trash, some of these places even have corn fritters. Them fritters is tasty.

I will make sure your staff has two weeks notice regarding my trip. I wish I could give you and them two weeks notice in another way, but that is for another time and place, most likely November of 2012. For now, please verify my itinerary and just choose somewhere other than Hawaii to stay in late February and early March.

Do not pretend the islands are big enough for both of us. You simply take up too much room. I know I am making this all about me, but you do the exact same thing. The difference is you act this way every day. I want this privilege just for a few precious days and nights.

Look, I understand that if God forbid Pearl Harbor gets attacked again, it is all hands on deck. You will have to bring all useful government officials and perhaps even Joe Biden with you. Yet this scenario seems unlikely since the Japanese are less interested in attacking us than in recovering from economic policies almost as bad as yours.

So again sir, allow this tourist visiting Hawaii to have a really enjoyable trip. You are at your best when you get out of the way and stop interfering. I know you are incapable of doing this from a policy standpoint, but you can from a vacation standpoint. You meddle in every aspect of my life. Just once, please refrain.

Allow me to enjoy Hawaii, sir. While I am there, please go somewhere else. You have 56 other states to choose from. Go there.

In fact, hold a fundraiser in Los Angeles at that time. This way every Hollywood celebrity will stay there, and my trip to Hawaii will be free from each and every one of them.

You are good at fundraisers, sir. This is an election year. You need to be in swing states, not in bright Blue Hawaii. Martha’s Vineyard needs you now more than ever sir.

Thank you for understanding Mr. President. It’s not you. It’s just everything you do and the way you act, and the dreadful results.

Anyway, I appreciate your respecting my wishes. I promise to enjoy Hawaii, and have a fantastic time without you.

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Five Crimes This Year So Insane They Could Only Have Happened In Miami

The year’s most uh, striking, crime image.​Miami is the fictional home of Dexter, Michael Weston and Horatio Caine, so it makes sense that some truly messed up crime goes down in the real 305. Still, it’s astounding how the Magic City steps up year after year to deliver acts so depraved and bizarre they make Jeff Lindsay blush.

The past twelve months have been a banner year for Miami-Dade crimes, from cement injecting faux surgeons to elaborate Russian crime plots to illicit taxidermy. Click through for five of Miami’s most insane crimes this past year.


One of Molina’s creations.​5. The Ilegally Taxidermying Artist
Enrique Gomez de Molina turned heads at Art Basel satellite fairs with his bizarre amalgamations of taxidermied animal parts, selling one piece for a nifty $10,000 at Scope. But federal agents say Gomez de Molina’s works were made using illegally imported exotic animal body parts, from Java kingfishers to slow loris to birds of paradise. He was charged with illegally smuggling in the animal parts, and threatened with up to a $250,000 fine and jail time.

4. Russian Oligarchs’ Murderous Fight For An Island
Fisher Island has on-and-off been ranked as America’s most expensive zip code. The island off South Beach is reachable only by ferry and is loaded with millionaires condos. But what few knew until reading New Times writer Gus Garcia-Roberts’ jaw-dropping feature a few months ago was that the 216-acre isle has become a pawn in a deadly fight between two Russian billionaire, with accusations of poisonings, KGB-style threats and a kidnapping to Belarus that drew in Hilary Clinton to resolve the affair.